haunted by confusion

I was reading earlier today from the Gospel of John about the day that Jesus entered into Jerusalem right before he was killed. In verse sixteen of chapter twelve, the author says something that really caught my attention. He writes, "His disciples did not understand these things at first, but when Jesus was glorified, then they remembered that these things had been written about him and had been done to him." In other words, the people closest to Jesus didn't really get what was going on until it was all over and they had the chance to reflect on what had happened. These men and women were completely blind to what God was doing through the events that played out that week in Jerusalem. They had preconceived notions about what Jesus was up to and as a result they were haunted by confusion when things didn't play out the way they thought they should.

The week started out to be everything they dreamed of and more. Jesus was being hailed as the "King of Israel." This fit into their ideas about who Jesus was and what He was trying to accomplish. They assumed that He was going to liberate Israel from a cruel and oppressive oppressor (Rome). They assumed that Jesus was going to restore Israel as a world power. Naturally, they also assumed that when Jesus accomplished this, they would be the leaders of His new government. After all, they were in His inner circle. No doubt they looked forward to their positions of power and authority. I can't help but believe that they may have had thoughts of how Rome would rue the day they tried to conquer God's chosen people! I know I would have.

Then, circumstances changed dramatically. Jesus was arrested, illegally tried, mercilessly beaten, and killed using one of the cruelest forms of execution ever devised by men - crucifixion. Suddenly, a future that seemed bright and hopeful turned dark and fearsome. Their dreams of power and authority evaporated as they watched the man who had the power to raise people from the dead breathe his final breath. All their imaginings of a future where they were people of power melted away like an ice cube thrown to the pavement on a sweltering summer day. They had trusted this man with their future and now He was gone. Nothing made sense any more. Confusion reigned. I can't even begin to imagine the cloud of despair that must have descended upon the disciples that week. They didn't understand what God was up to...and they wouldn't until they had the opportunity to look at the events of that week in retrospect.

I'm just like the disciples. I have predetermined ideas about how my life should be and how my future should play out. When my predefined vision of my preferred future doesn't match the reality of my life, I easily become overwhelmed with uncertainty, turmoil, and a sense of bewilderment. In those moments, I find it completely mystifying that God wouldn't use my immense talent and intellect to it's fullest (that last line should be read with as much sarcasm as the reader can muster). The truth is, when things go badly in my life I usually can't see what God is trying to do until after I've walked through the dark valley. Even then, it often seems confusing and is beyond my ability to comprehend.

I'm trying to learn to simply walk with Jesus and trust that He sees a picture of the future that is much bigger than anything I can fathom. I'm trying to learn to trust that He knows what He is doing even when it doesn't make any sense to me. I'm trying to live in the knowledge that His plan is more important then my comfort. I'm trying to learn how to be at peace with the reality that the world does not revolve around me and my desires. God is working to accomplish something that is much bigger than my tiny, insignificant intellect can grasp, and if the fulfillment of that plan requires a measure of pain and heartache for me, so be it. God help me to learn to live like that.