dying to live

I recently read The Fine Line by Kary Oberbrunner. In the latter portions of the book, Oberbrunner describes some of the trials that a friend of his, Mark Palmer, went through as he gave his life radically to Christ and His kingdom. Mark's story moved me deeply as I read about his gut-wrenching losses and physical battles that eventually claimed his life. In the last chapter of the book, Oberbrunner shared a journal entry posted by Mark. This journal entry touched me deeply and I want to share it with you:

Wednesday, February, 19th, 2003 11:07am
A long while ago my friend Joe Boyd from Vegas posted this on his journal, and I then posted it on mine. I rediscovered it in my paper journal last night, and it deserves a reposting. It continues to be an encouragement to me when I get beat up for doing what God has called me to do.
Expect pain.
Expect to be misunderstood.
Expect to be persecuted and expect it to come first from those who follow Jesus.
Expect to be maligned, attacked, and ridiculed from all sides.
Expect to grow tired and weary.
Expect to want to give up.
Expect to lose many old friends. Expect to lose all of your friends where the "church" is the central reason for your friendship. Only your deep and Christ-centered friendships wil endure.
Expect to be labeled (a freak, a hippie, a cult leader, a quitter, a fraud, an idealist, a purist, a heretic, a divider, a communist, a jerk, an egomaniac, a devil worshiper). Yes, I've been called them all to my face.
Expect to weep...deeper and stronger than you ever have.
Expect to doubt your calling, your convictions, your path, your faith, and your life.
Expect to be lonely.
Expect to be seen as utterly unsuccessful.
Expect to die...nothing will be left of you. You will cease to exist. The last things in you to die will be your desire to be great for God and your desire to be happy. And then, you will finally...
Live. Expect life. Expect meaning. Expect to finally understand the prophets and apostles. Expect to know Jesus and his life...for that is all that you will have...and that is all that you need.

When I read that, I realized that not everything inside of me that needs to die is dead. There's still too much "me" in me. There's too much in me that wants to be great. There's too much in me that wants credit for the good things that happen (although I don't seem to want the blame for the bad things). There's too much in me that clings to safety and security. There's too much in me that wants "the good life" (whatever that is). I want to know the life that comes through dying to myself. I want learn to let go of all the temporary things to which I cling. I want to experience His life and find that it is truly all I need. Jesus, help me...change my heart.